“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” - Joseph B. Wirthlin

I've been thinking about this lately, and how our lives have been blessed over the past couple of years.  So many good things have happened since the worst time in my life.

Taylor found his love, and married her in January.  If you would've told me three years ago, that would've happened, I couldn't have imagined it.  It's what I prayed would happen for him with moving him away from the only home he's known.  Away from all his friends, his grandparents, and a great ward. Even if it happened two years earlier than I would've liked, but I've learned that the Lord's timing isn't always the same as mine.  It's amazing to see the blessings that have come to him, and I'm so thankful his life is on a good path.

 

Connor is loving his life here.  He's got an awesome group of friends, is the 8th grade class president, in on the HOPE Squad (suicide prevention) for his school, and just received his Patriarchal Blessing.  His happy heart and his always wanting to do good, is a blessing. 

 

I'm in love with a wonderful man, and even better, he's in love with me.  He inspires me to be better and he is everything I told Heavenly Father I wanted in a husband if I were ever to marry again.  He makes me thankful to still be living life. There were a few months after Blaine died I didn't feel like being here anymore.  I'm glad that feeling is gone.

We have a house in a neighborhood we love (which also happens to be on the street behind my sister's), and 5 minutes from one of my brother's.  We're also close to other family.  And even though I said I'd never move back to Utah, I find it a huge comfort to be here.  I don't even hate the snow anymore.

Things are good and I feel very blessed.

But there are still times that are hard for both of us.  Sometimes each of us feels guilty for being so happy.  Even though we know, without a doubt, this is where we're supposed to be, and who we're supposed to be with.  Sometimes we wonder why things happened the way they did. 

Sometimes a memory of my life before comes up and punches me in the gut.  I loved my life in AZ, but there are some things that are too hard to think about.  Sometimes thinking of the happiness there brings back too much sadness.

Sometimes I think about the people I don't get to see as much now that were a huge part of my life in AZ, and I get sad. 

Sometimes I feel depression creeping in, even though I am so happy.  I know Satan is always there, just wanting to stick his nose in and tell me I don't deserve to be happy, or that things are just too hard.  I hate it.

Sometimes I worry that something bad is just around the corner.  I've been through bad and yes I made it, but I don't know if I could do bad again.  

It's been hard on different kids at different times.  It's hard for us to be so happy and see them struggle with their new situation.  

Life is hard, isn't it?

But through it all, I'm so glad to have someone by my side, who truly is my partner in every way.  Who loves me no matter what, and makes me feel cherished.  He truly wants to make me happy and be there for all of our children.  He is an example of all that's good, even though he thinks he has far to go.  He was exactly what I needed, and I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father knew, and helped us find each other after the terrible things we went through.  

 

 

I wasn't going to date.  The thought of it made me sick.
There was no way I was going to do those LDS Singles' Sites.  That thought made me nauseous.
However, I had the impression while watching General Conference one day, that I would remarry again.  Well, I was thinking it'd be years in the future, and I pretty much told Heavenly Father that if it was His will for me to remarry, He was going to have to pretty much deliver the guy to my front door. 

Then, one day, my Mom told me she was down the street visiting teaching at a long-time neighbor's house and her son, Kevin, was there and he was going through a painful and unexpected divorce.  I immediately thought, "Oh, I would be okay going out with him," and told her so.  I knew his family, I knew he was a good guy from growing up together (even though we never hung out together), and I'd always thought he was the cutest of his brothers.  I told my Mom to tell his mom that we should go out sometime, then I requested his friendship on Facebook.  Well, it took him a few weeks to respond to my friend request because he was never on Facebook come to find out.  But he finally accepted and one day left a comment on one of my posts.

He kept popping into my head a lot, and I'd find myself checking Facebook a lot to see if he had been on.  Then one day, I decided to pray about him.  I asked Heavenly Father if there was a reason why he kept coming to mind and if there was - if we were supposed to be together or something, then to please have him contact me....and not by phone since I hate talking on the phone to new people, but to message me or text me.  The following Sunday (like two days later) I came home from church and there was a message from him on FB.  I had never had such an immediate and direct answer to a prayer.  He admitted he was nervous to talk to me and had actually sat down three times to message me before doing it.  I found out later that he was actually going to ask the woman down the street from him to dinner or a walk on Sunday, but had the impression after praying about it, that he should message me first.  I'm so glad he listened to that prompting.

We went out six days later.  It turned out that our trip to Disneyland had to be canceled since my sister's kids couldn't miss school.  I still wanted to take the boys somewhere, so we had booked tickets to Utah before Kevin and I had even talked.  I'm so glad we did.

Our first date was memorable.  Mostly because we were so nervous and he had me home by 9:30.  We still laugh at that.  I was okay with the date ending early because I needed time to process how I felt about dating again.  I messaged him later that night to tell him thank you and that I had fun and he was so glad.  He thought he'd blown it.  He told me later that after he dropped me off, he started to drive away and pulled over to the side of the road and thought, "Wow, I like her and I don't have a chance".  So he was really glad that I messaged him that night. 

Our second date was for lunch at Thanksgiving Point, a session at the Timpanogas Temple, and then up the canyon for a campfire dinner.  His brother Wade gave him a hard time for taking me to the temple on only our second date, but the temple had been my happy place for the whole previous year, so I loved that he wanted to take me there.  I loved that he was worthy to take me there.

I pretty much knew early on that I wanted to be married to him, and that I was supposed to be married to him.  I loved his heart and his goodness and that he could make me laugh.  He taught me that I really do like to go hiking and reminded me of how much I do love Utah's mountains and lakes.  Whenever I was with him, I felt like I was "home".  I loved being with him.  I loved him.  I was amazed that I was able to love again.  And I loved feeling like I was doing exactly what Heavenly Father wanted and had planned for us.

July 24, 2014 was the day he proposed.  It was perfect.  In the canyon where we'd had our second date.  He'd forgotten the matches for the campfire, and he still thinks he's the biggest goof for that, but I loved it.  To me, it was endearing.

We married on October 10, 2014.  It was the happiest day.  Just family and a couple of our closest friends.  I have been grateful for him and all that he is ever since.

2013 was the worst year of my life.  At times I didn't want to go on.  I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father is aware of each of us, and knows our pains and heartaches.  I keep thinking of the feelings I felt while praying to Him one day....to hold on, that He's sorry I'm going through this, but that one day I will be happier than I could ever imagine possible.  And I'm grateful every day that Kevin and I both listened to the promptings that brought us together.

Who would've thought that when I wrote my last post, I would be getting remarried exactly one year later.  I have a lot to catch up on here......right now I'm just feeling grateful. 

{refiner's fire}

I finally understand what the words "refiner's fire" mean.

"In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong.

Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted." - James E. Faust

This article spoke to my heart. Her thoughts and feelings are so similar to mine.

i hate...

I hate that some days are filled with gratitude, with faith, with knowledge, and others are filled with sadness and insecurities.  Stupid Satan, he knows what to hit us with, and where our weaknesses lie, and he wants nothing more than to have us fail.  He's annoying.

I hate when people whine on facebook that their husband will be gone for a few days.  I also hate that I want to yell at them to get over it.  I felt that way towards others after my sister lost her husband, too.  You'd think I would have learned how to deal with it by now.

I hate that I can't spend every day in the temple.  I could, but nothing would get done in my house.  The peace, the personal revelation and the answers found there are amazing and very much needed. 

I hate that I still turn the corner on the street to my house, see the LP's truck there, and the old thought "Daddy's home!" still pops into my head. 

I hate that I hear something good or funny and instantly want to text or call LP and then remember that I can't.  This past week I reconnected with a couple of his high school friends, and really wished I could have told him how nice they were and what they're up to.  I know, he probably already knows, but it's not the same.

I hate that I get sad when I hear of people getting remarried.  I'm happy for them, but after being married to my soul-mate and best friend for 21 years, I miss what I had.  I know I'll see him in the next life, but how do I get through the rest of now?  It really makes me want to be done sooner rather than later.  The Second Coming can happen soon as far as I'm concerned.

I hate that most of my family is in Utah.  I don't like Utah as much as I love Arizona, but it would be nice to be around all of my family.

I hate that sometimes I feel strong and like I can do anything, and other times I feel sorry for myself.


But I do know this...

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” - Orson F. Whitney.  Sometimes I hate my life, but at the same time, I can feel grateful.  I can see many blessings in this trial.  I can feel that I've progressed and changed.  I'm more compassionate, I'm less judgmental and critical of others (unless they're complaining about their husband being gone a few days - ha!).  I do more of the things that matter most, and less of the things that don't really matter.  I feel like I'm becoming  my true self in a way. 

I know that the Atonement covers all pain.  I read recently that we all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.  I always knew the Atonement saved us from our sins, but never before have I felt such a tremendous love from, and for, my Savior.  Never before have I felt such gratitude for knowing that He knows exactly what I've felt.  He's felt all of our pain before.  He had to in order to truly understand our trials.  

I have the knowledge of the gospel and how families can be together after this life.  Even on the days that are hard, I know this for certain. And that brings me happiness and peace.




 

"He has the power, but it’s our test."

A friend shared this talk on faith on facebook yesterday. Loved it. 

My favorite parts -

"What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, 'For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.' "

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
 
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

I've had a lot of dreams of Blaine recently.  Last night in part of my dream, I was kissing his cheek.  I can still feel it, his cheek, with a little bit of stubble on it.  I miss it.  I miss him.

Today I had the impression that I would be blessed for having his work done.  Not just the blessing of having our family sealed, but for having the saving ordinances done for him.  That it was part of my responsibility in this life, to bring him to the gospel and hopefully his parents too.  I know he's being taught on the other side.  I know he's surrounded by family members who want this for him, too.

{gratitudes}

Boys that make me laugh every day.  Like with this conversation:

Me: Come on, boys. Put everything away where it goes. Everything needs to go where it goes.
 Taylor: Okay, then we gotta put you away, too.
Connor: Yep, senior home.


The ability to find the funny.

I finally got around to picking out a grave marker.  That was one of those things I just kept putting off, not wanting to deal with it.  Because we have a double plot, the grave marker has a space for my name and dates, too.  I told the funeral worker that my mom-in-law really preferred to not see my name on it just yet, so we'd leave that off for now.  Then Taylor joked and said we should just add it now and just pick some random date for my death and then see if it comes true.  Might be a touch morbid, but it made me laugh.  I know the LP would be glad we can see the funny in things.


Another time the boys and I were remembering some of the funny things their dad said and did and laughing at those memories.  I said how much I miss him and how I can't wait to see him again and they agreed.  So then I asked them how we should go see him then......sit in the car with the engine running, or something else?  (Don't worry....they knew I was joking).  Connor then said, "Uh, mom.....do you need some help?"  Sometimes you have to be able to laugh and joke or you will just cry all the time.


Long-time friends. Especially when they call an emergency lunch meeting.  They make me laugh, too.


A little (really not so little) boy who has such a positive outlook and happy countenance.  He started school last week without his best friend of seven years, after finding out he was moving across the country.  It could have been really hard, losing not only your dad but your best friend all in the space of six months, but he tends to see the good in things.  Love that about him. He and his friend spent a few days (and night) together, getting in all their fun and making promises to always be friends.  Thankful they've had each other these past seven years, and that they can continue to be friends with the help of technology.


Answers to prayers.  And faith that all will work out as it should.


The Plan of Salvation {link}


Temple Sealings {link} and the knowledge that my family will still be a family even after death.


Prozac.  Truth.  Sometimes you can control things just with exercise, meditation, prayer, or whatever, but sometimes what you're dealing with requires more.  Sometimes you have a chemical imbalance or a genetic tendency that needs to be treated.   Better to treat it than ignore it.


Another long-time friend who told me this:   "The depth of your grief equals the depth of your love".  Yep.  

summertime

The boys and I just got back from Disneyland, one of our happy places.  We met my two sisters and my sister's kids.  It was a little hard doing something that we'd always done together as a family, so I'm glad I had my sisters with me.  The boys and I were able to laugh at some of the memories of vacations past, and remember things Blaine would say or make fun of.  It was kind of therapeutic.  I was sad to come home.  I want another week there.

Come on Taylor, get out of bed.  

A few weeks ago we made a trip to Utah.  (I'll apologize right now for not letting friends know I was there....I needed the time with family.)  We had fun being with our family for my dad's birthday and doing things with cousins.  The boys and I spent one afternoon driving to different temples that they wanted to see.  Then I took them past one of the houses that their dad grew up in and that we later lived in for a few months after we were first married, as well as the high school LP and I met at, and some other of our hangouts.  It was fun reminiscing and retelling them the story of how we met.  It was therapeutic too.  Lots of good memories there.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I just wish I could be on vacation all the time. 

“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers". - Gordon B. Hinckley